I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize