I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
