Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
