We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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