Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
