doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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