Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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