I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
