i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
