I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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