Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
