Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
