I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
