I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
