Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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