wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
