my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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