I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
