How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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