Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
honey bunches of taint.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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