My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
