I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
