Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
