Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
