You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Couch. On fire.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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