I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
