I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
