White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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