fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
