I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
