3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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