she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
