If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
