I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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