I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I have demons in me.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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