I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
