Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
