Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
