You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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