i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
