There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i permit you to call me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
