Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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