I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize