im six kinds of drunk right now
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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