I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
