What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
