i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
