I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
