i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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