she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
