I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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