you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
