Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
