My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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