I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
