Jerry, you need to find god
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
