I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
