If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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