i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
