my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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